A Fork in the Road

Like many Americans, I’ve always, always had a “life plan.” I mean sure, my plans were usually a bit extravagant; they always included adventure, optimism, teaching abroad, traveling to faraway places, and thinking outside the box— but they were plans all the same. In short, I’ve always sort of known what I was going to be doing next. For example, my post-university plans included doing the assistantship program in France, and I made that happen. After finishing the assistantship, my plan was to become a lectrice, and I made that happen too. Finally, after being a lectrice, my plan was to stay in France by whatever means possible, whether that meant finding a sponsored teaching job (which would be the most ideal!), or simply reapplying to be an assistant again (as technically, I could), enrolling in graduate school, becoming an au pair, or getting married to my French lover. My plans didn’t need much substance, because they simply included doing whatever it would take to just stay in the country and continuing to live my expatriate lifestyle.

But here’s the thing about plans: they can change. And as I find myself 4 months away from the end of my second lectrice year, nothing has really gone according to plan. After being a lectrice, I can’t see myself being an assistante again. At 26, I know I would hate au pairing, and I simply don’t want to get my master’s in France. I also don’t need to mention that I am basically single AF.

13151235_1699583996980700_1205432991_n

Upon returning to France from the United States after Christmas, I started updating both my American resume and French CV for the first time in two years. I also started creating a British-style CV because of my aspirations to go to the UK, whether that be for school or work. I started thinking seriously about my next steps– what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there. Finally, I updated my LinkedIn profile, began networking with any professional connections I could make, subscribed to various teacher recruitment websites, wrote cover letter after cover letter, and sent applications here, there, and everywhere.

And during the span of a few months, I’ve had some realizations. I know I need a home base– somewhere to next and come back to after my travels. More importantly, I realize that I no longer have the desire to just coast— to live nomadically, and to live paycheck to paycheck while working unchallenging and unfulfilling jobs here and there just to stay afloat and in France.

But, most importantly, I realized that there is only me to worry about, and that the advantage of just having me to worry about was that I can really and truly choose where I want to go next, which is both empowering and terrifying at the same time.

Recently, I found myself in a very lucky position: I had two different but interesting paths to choose from. One path would have led me back to my homeland- back to familiarity in regards to people and landscapes and culture, but more importantly to a job I knew I would enjoy. However, I wasn’t ready to commit to going back home. There was a part of me that wanted to keep trying to stay– at least for now. The other path seemed equally as interesting. This path would keep me where I am now– where I have a fun home and good friends and the ability to travel far and wide. But something about this opportunity didn’t feel quite right; even if it guaranteed a work visa, I wasn’t sure it was the best fit for me, and therefore, for them.

13139329_10206206560555361_7027176149821198198_n

I was stuck at this fork in the road for longer than I should have been. I kept hesitating, taking two steps forward and one step back. The busy voices in my head couldn’t make up their minds. I had spent the last few weeks listing pros and cons, pacing back and forth, and hesitating at the crossroads.

But then suddenly, last Saturday, I jolted awake at 5 am. And I decided to finally listen to what the universe was trying to tell me. I knew what I needed to do.

I turned around, back away from the fork, and walked away. I haven’t looked back. And I feel relieved.

I chose neither. And in choosing neither, I chose me.

Some people think I’m crazy– I gave up stability, reassurance, a salary, and employment. I also passed by a work visa. But I know I made the right decision for me, at the time.

And one day soon, I’ll have to make a decision about where to go and what to do. But today is not that day. Those paths were not the paths I was meant to take. As of now, I am excited to keep driving and discovering new roads– roads that I had originally passed on my way to this fork, but now have the chance to go back to. I’m trying to be more spontaneous– to take a leap of faith into the unknown and keep applying for professional opportunities which both excite and challenge me. I am trying to give myself a chance here– a chance to listen to my gut and to try my luck at waiting for something I’m super stoked about, both personally and professionally. Besides, for the time being, I have time– a salary until the end of August, and a visa until mid-October.

To not have a plan is a bit outside of my comfort zone, but for now, it feels right. I’m going with my gut- there’s something out there for me. I’ll be alright.

Bisous,

Dana

14 thoughts on “A Fork in the Road

  1. Sometimes you have to follow your gut!

    When I was finishing up TAPIF, I was looking for work in the States. I applied for a summer internship and a year-long internship. I got the summer internship, and I was one of two finalists for the year-long internship. On paper, that one made more sense. It was salaried, with benefits, at my alma mater, not far from my parents. But interning with Kappa had been a dream of mine for years. I couldn’t turn it down.

    Days after I withdrew my application for the year-long internship, a French family in New York contacted me to be their au pair. I hadn’t logged onto that website in months.

    Everything worked out perfectly–and I met my husband. 😉 I would have lost out on so much if I had made the sensible decision.

    1. That is so crazy how everything fell into place for you like that! I agree- going with your gut is so underrated ! People should do it more often. Bisous!

  2. Dana, you already know that even my subconscious is invested in your future so I’m so happy to read this!! Sounds like this potential option was holding you back somewhat, and now you are ready to move boldly towards whatever comes next 🙂 Keep us updated!!! xoxo

  3. This time of the year happens to be a crucial time for lots of people. I hope whatever lies in front of you proves to be positive and I wish you all the best. I have a few friends that are at the same crossroads and I myslef happen to be there too. I’ve kinda decided to take the backseat on overplanning things and it’s starting to feel good. After spending almost 2 years abroad, I also feel like there’s a certain degree of uncertainty in front of me and I would also like a base, like you mention, where I can just return to once in a while when I need a break. Things will work out one way or another is what I tell myself. So far, the way things have worked out, if I hadn’t made the choices I made, I wouldn’t have met the wonderful people that I have been lucky to meet.

    All the best,
    Israel

  4. Courage, Dana! I wish you the best of luck! I’m sure you’ll find happiness. Decisions are almost never really “right” or “wrong”. They are what they are, and it’s up to us to make the best of them, learn, and make new decisions as our lives and desires change. The job hunt sucks, but you’ll get through it!

  5. Single AF, lol, me too. Dana, this is so smart. Choosing neither is still a choice, and you’re still taking an active role in your future. I’ve been there and am there and will definitely be there again, so I hear you! I’m sure whatever you end up doing will feel right. This is a letter by Hunter S. Thompson that I absolutely love– even though it doesn’t exactly apply to your situation I still think it makes a great point, especially for Americans, with our plan-oriented culture: http://www.yourfriendshouse.com/2014/hunter-s-thompson-on-finding-your-purpose/

Let me know what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s