It Happened Again.

It happened again.

You say all the right things. You make me laugh, you make me witty. I feel like the best version of myself when you’re around.

It happened again.

I’m frozen. I can’t speak. I’m too afraid. I feel vulnerable, even though there’s no reason I should. I want to move forward, but I’m stuck in quicksand.

It happened again.

I lie awake at night in solitude. I’m alone. I’m a coward.

It happened again.

I’m not brave. I want to express myself, but the words won’t come.

It happened again.

There’s something wrong with me; there’s something I’m missing; something I’m not doing right– that’s what people are saying.

It happened again.

I avoid the awkward questions. I burry my darkest secrets deeper and deeper inside me. I protect others, while trying to protect myself. I know this doesn’t define me, or my life, or dismiss my successes.

It happened again.

I question my choices. I replay the scenes in my head. I rewind my past encounters, trying to find answers…trying to find reason. Clearly, it’s me.

It happened again.

I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I’m hurt. I’m trying. Why me? What’s wrong with me?

It happened again.

It’s a new day. I stand naked in front of my mirror. I grab my stomach fat; I shake my cellulite; I cry; I shame my nakedness. “I’ll never be good enough,”I think, “Never attractive enough, never thin enough, never athletic enough.”

It happened again.

I’ll never be strong enough. I’ll never be smart enough. I’ll never be enough.

It happened again.

I hide my shame, my fear, my insecurities with plane tickets, train journeys, bus rides, checking another destination off the bucket list. At least I’m fulfilling something.

It happened again. 

I envy her. I hate her. But I want to be her. Why am I not her? Why can’t I be her? Why her!?

It happened again.

I work through it. I keep writing. I keep traveling. I keep seeing. I keep learning. I keep experiencing. I hide my self-hatred with surface-level independence and  confidence.

It happened again.

I’m awesome. No really, I’m awesome! I’m happy. I love traveling. I love experiencing. I love learning. I love me. I love what I do. I love being me.

It happened again.

I go for a run. I’m getting stronger. I do some yoga. I feel more relaxed.

It happened again.

I go out with my friends. I try something new. I do some shopping. I laugh. I smile. I’m grateful.

I’m happier. I really am. I’m trying. Really, I’m trying. I’ve never felt this good!

It happened again.

What does it feel like to be in love with someone? Even if that someone doesn’t love you?

It happened again.

I’m a bit more relaxed.  I’m less angry– less anxious– less jealous– less disappointed in myself.

It happened again.

I like what I see in the mirror. I like how I feel. I like what I do. I feel desirable. Today, I like myself. I can do this.

It happened again. 

I answer another email. I give words of advice– words I can’t seem to follow myself. I’m a fake; I’m a fool; I’m a coward.

It happened again.

I talk myself down; I talk myself up. I’m awesome, I’m not; I’m unique; I’m a spinster.

It happened again.

My students inspire me. I inspire my students. I love what I do. My career is fulfilling.

It happened again.

I zip up my dress. God, I look good tonight, and I feel good tonight.

It happened again.

I see you; I feel you; I want you. I’m afraid to tell you. You are so beautiful.

It happened again.

I come crashing down. How do I explain? Why do I feel so ashamed? Why am I the way I am? Why can’t I tear down this wall?

It happened again.

I’m losing myself. Losing sight of what I want– of my dreams, my aspirations. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know where to go, what to do, what to be.

It happened again.

He needs you. And you’re not there. You try to be. You try to do what you can. The phone calls and the post cards aren’t enough. What you’re doing isn’t enough.

It happened again.

He looks so small. So helpless. You hold his hand. You comfort him. He’s proud of you.

It happened again.

You try to be here, there, everywhere… You’re here for this person, for that person. You’re lucky to have so much love in your life. You’re really not alone, you know. You have so many people who love you.

It happened again.

I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m inspired. I’m mad.

It happened again.

I’m crying. I’m lonely. I’m laughing. I’m horny. I have no one to call.

It happened again.

I’m alone. And that’s okay. I’m going in circles, trying to find my way.

It happened again.

I’m okay. I’m doing fine. For the moment, I am where I need to be. I just want to know… are we there yet?

images

Bisous,

Dana

13 thoughts on “It Happened Again.

  1. Beautiful. So well said. At 47 I still have almost all of these feelings, and have aince college. It gives me comfort in knowing I’m not the only one. I have to remember no one is perfect, the grass isn’t always greener on tueboyher side & I have a wonderful family that so many do not have and I am thankful & in not such a bad place. When that doesn’t work a glass of wine usually does!

  2. Thank you for this post Dana. It’s very honest and very real. I’ve had a lot of these thoughts and these cyclical highs and lows and what makes them harder is feeling like you’re the only one who is going through them. Keep exploring, keep seeing, keep questioning. And keep being your wonderful self.

  3. Dana,

    This is a very good post. I identify with some of the sentiments you express here and I know how hard it is being an adult and feeling like there is a lot left to figure along with things one must do and places one must see. One of the ways I’ve begun dealing with this, and it’s not a flawless method, is by telling myself that I am where I’m supposed to be at this point in my life, wherever that happens to be, geographically, spiritually/emotionally, and there is no other place I could be right now that isn’t where I am. It’s simple, and maybe even silly, but it grounds me and helps me get through tough times. I used to be a very self conscious person, I still have a tendency to self doubt, and I don’t have things figured out myself but I’m trying. I’m not a socially graceful person and I tend to inject awkwardness into a room 😃, I do this spectacularly well and almost always without fail, but I’m trying!

    It wasn’t until I realized that the place(s) where I always told myself I wanted to be –along with the things I wanted– was(were) in front of me that I realized that the expectancy of this and the things it would bring made me neglect what was happening in the waiting period and it made everything that happened during the wait seem dull and gray.

    I’m not perfect and I’ll never be. I just am! Making peace with this is helping me become happier. Chocolate helps!

    All the best,
    Israel

  4. Shit happens. Sometimes again and again. I tell myself that every time I lose my patience, or my temper, often both. When I’m short tempered and mean and that little critical voice will not shut the fuck up. Good for you for having to courage to own up to your shit, even if you haven’t got it to a place you feel happy about yet. That’s my 2 cents. Now I’m off to kick the cat and have another beer. Bises! xo

  5. We are all a work in progress Dana. Nobody ever “gets it” or “has it” all the time. In fact my cheesy high school yearbook quote was “Be a work in progress and keep progressing.” You’re allowed to feel unsure and feel like you may have failed. But life is full of high highs and low lows. It may happen again and again, whatever that may be, but it doesn’t make you less than. 🙂

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